Faced with my own mortality...

I checked my bloods last week at work.  It's just something we do from time to time, mainly to check our cholesterol.  This time I was checking my kidney function.

You see, about six years ago I was warned by a reflexologist to watch out for my kidneys.  A reflexologist, you may tsk, but with having given her no real history at all about me she knew instantly on reaching the area corresponding to my eyes that I had contact lenses is.  At the time, and still to this day I'm pretty impressed by that.

I've been getting flank pain intermittently now for a few months.  At first I thought it was musco-skeletal, now I'm not so sure.

My eGFR came back at 68.  6 years ago it was >90, 2 years ago 80.  Below 60 is considered first stage chronic kidney disease. I'm 32.

Other than what is hopefully a minor blip in my foreseen long and happy life, I'm the most active I've ever been in my life.  I notch up probably about 4-7 hours of exercise a week.  And that is fun exercise, not the rat race running on a treadmill, lifting weights, sweating under strip lights and watching myself staring back at myself in gym mirrors with constant music blaring out at me and bland tv programmes with their streams of subtitles running along the bottom.

Exercise that I enjoy, that lifts my spirits, gets me into the great outdoors in all weather conditions and introduces me to new people, experiences and challenges every time I participate.  Cycling.  Who'd have thought it? I certainly wouldn't of two years ago.

I took up mountain biking then, and have loved it ever since.  And I'm now even enjoying road cycling, again to my amazement.  If my past self could see me now she'd be shaking her head in wonder.

So why now? Why the kidney function issues now?

Well two years ago I swapped and unhealthy addiction with cannabis to an unhealthy addiction to alcohol.

What had been a life long dedication to the natural green herb became a far more socially acceptable vice, one that made me feel chatty and brave, was cheaper and tasted nicer, and most of all gave me the lung capacity I needed to keep on mtbiking.

And now, unsurprisingly, I find after pretty much two years of drinking one bottle of wine a night, sometimes more, sometimes less, my body is rebelling against me.

I am left with the concept of being 'straight' most nights.  Of filling my time dealing with the everyday stresses and strains of life with a clear head and no way of escaping.  Of having to 'deal with things'.  Scary shit.

So in two weeks I get my bloods checked with my GP. Then due to annual leave on the GP's part, I get to wait another week to talk to one of them about it.  Joy.  The NHS. It never rushes.

In the mean time, well I'm going to try to make this my avenue. My 'someone to talk to' , because at the moment it feels like I've got no-one else.

Is sad

I think I have to learn to accept that my need for affection is higher than my partner's therefore I will always want more hugs than him.... and learn that hugs aren't the measure of a relationship, but just a fortunate accompaniment.

Confused......

Here I am being confused.  I'm making Tim mad by asking for love. Asking for a kiss, a hug..... Apparently it's annoying him, he says if I didn't ask he'd give more....

So why do I ask? Why is my need for attention so high? Why do I place so much value on touch and affection?

I guess, unfortunately to be a cliché, but the roots of all this may lie with my parents.  I can remember only once as a child walking in on them having a kiss, and the times I've seen them hold hands whilst walking are few and far between.

So maybe I over compensate as the thought of such a loveless relationship terrifies me.

Maybe its due to my Dad's choice in career.  Throughout my child and adolescent hood his job meant he went to work for weeks at a time and consequently was home for weeks at a time.  Maybe as a child I just didn't get it.  Didn't understand why someone I loved kept leaving me....

I don't like who I've become.

I don't know how to change.

NIGHTS

My job means I have to work nights and they suck.  Though one of the best feelings you can have is that moment when you leave work in the morning, sun shining, a but chilly, and you head off home to a warm comfy bed with a naked boy waiting with open arms for you.

It's a certain kind of bliss

15th Feb

I'm in love.  BIG time in love. he's awesome. and mine :)
when he looks at me my heart skips a beat
i'm impatient for experiencing all the days i can with him
he's my world

Try Again

So this is my second attempt at blogging.  My last go was in a much darker time when things were not going as well as i'd hoped.  Now, things are much better, much brighter but much more confusing......


It' s life changing decision time and I just don't know which decisions will be the right ones.


"Your routine is a prison...set yourself free"


Poignant but flippantly placed on the back of a bus ticket many many years ago by some evil advertising company though as to what they were advertising I never knew.


But it is a prison, routine, and it is something i am endeavouring to set myself free from.


I'm a nurse.  I don't mind being a nurse but then again mostly I do.  I like interacting with the general public but in the hospital setting it can get a bit wearisome.  


I'm a snowboarder.  i love it. i love the mountains, the fresh air, the runs, the adrenaline, the meeting new people, the discovering new ways to the bottom. Everything about it.


So the choices......


1) drop out of the rat race and run a chalet with my partner who is as mad about snowboarding as me


2) emigrate to New Zealand or Canada, carry on our day-to-day jobs but open our bedroom window in the morning to see mountains capped with snow...


The disadvantages....


1)- what the hell to do in the summer!!
    - if it doesnt work out we would have to come back to the UK to save for choice 2 (I'd be on a considerably lower wage for daring to leave the NHS)


2)Canada- costly (though i'll be on a better wage)
                  - more time consuming (winter of 2011/12 would probably still be in the UK)
                  - conversion courses for canada nursing


   New Zealand - not as costly (not as better a wage)
                           - quicker
                           - maybe no conversion courses


so, how to make the decision, well there's an expo in feb and one in march for emigrating, the feb one being just for nurses, the second for everyone, though it's my job that seems like it will be the difficult one to emigrate with and then some more informed decisions can be made....


and in the mean time a whole lot of dreaming and indecision i guess........